Last night was tubby night for Freebird, and lately we’ve been filling up the tub with a few inches of water and letting him play with his tubby crayons - as opposed to putting the baby tub inside the bathtub and filling that up. He’s loving the “big boy bathtub” and all the room to splash and play, not to mention the unlimited white walls of the bathtub suitable for drawing “umbrelly” and “flower” and “sailboat” and all the letters and numbers we can think of.

Usually, I wait to put the Bird in the tub until Hubby is home, because bending over to lift the Bird in and out of the tub tends to make me light headed and I’m afraid if I’m home alone giving him a bath I might faint. Not a good idea! So Hubby does the heavy lifting (and lately the washing because I can’t reach the poor kid since my own belly is in the way) while I hang out on the floor awhile and draw with the Bird. Hubby insists I’m better at the drawing than he is.

Last night, Freebird started leaning forward, resting his weight on one leg and lifting his bum out of the water. Now, I knew from his daycare report that there had been no poop that day - a rare occurrence for the Bird. So I asked him: “Are you pooping? Do you have to poop?”

Hubby yells from the next room, “Oh, crap is he pooping in the tub?!”

Me: “I don’t think so, but I can’t tell.”

Freebird (*begins whispering*): “Okay. Poop. Okay. Poop.”

I can’t tell if he’s cheering it on, answering my question, repeating what I said - I have no idea. I lean back to tell Hubby that I’m not sure what’s going on and maybe he might want to lift the Bird onto the toilet for a last minute poo-intervention. Hubby comes in, looks in the tub, and says, “HOLY SHIT IT’S AN EGGROLL.”

I look down and I see a very small turd (ew) floating (thank God) in the tub. Ok, not a big deal. Hubby scoops up the Bird, puts him on the toilet, and the Bird begins to cry and wail like he’s hurting. Then I see it.

There was a second turd. Hubby was not lying. It was an eggroll. A full length grown-up sized turd, about 1.5” wide, literally as big as a Chinese takeout eggroll. For the record: my son is probably 30 lbs. and is 20 months old. He is not meant to poop adult-sized turds. This thing was huge, and hard, and so painful looking, no wonder the poor child was crying. His ass was probably on fire.

And no wonder he tried to poop in the warm water - it was probably the only soothing option he had to pass something that freaking big. Dear Lord.

I comforted the Bird, told him it was ok, and asked him if he wanted more tubby. We wiped and rinsed out the tub (*EW*), drew another bath, and he played in the water until he was ready for bed.

And for the rest of the night, Hubby and I exclaimed to one another: “It was as BIG AS AN EGGROLL!”

So yeah, you might not want to take a bath in my house. Or think about eggrolls. Just sayin’. 

What is this? The very VERY hungry and extremely anal-retentive caterpillar’s apple?

Should you be worried about your child’s language development, these blocks are clearly here to help. “Furnace.” Or maybe, “Hobo house.”

Now what the hell is THAT? A very angry mammal with Princess Leia’s hairdo? A tumor that all the zookeepers should be worried about?

Say it with me now, children: “Pharmaceuticals!” I’m telling you, these blocks are great for language development. ALL the important words are here!

Again, what the HELL is THAT? A seal? With a tail? Some kind of mammal after an unfortunate encounter with a trap?

I don’t even know what this is. Some kind of face? A tram car suspended from a cable?

Or maybe it’s supposed to be like this… in which case… it’s a three eyed, two toed thing winking at you.

I have to go lie down. Pass me that pill bottle.