I had a really strange but vivid dream on Saturday night that I was in labor with our third child. I was trying to convince the nurse in the room to just tell me when the c-section would be already so I could write it down in my calendar (ever anal-retentive, even when in dream labor) because I knew I’d be having one, since Baba was a c-section.

She refused to tell me, and so I hung out on the bed, laboring away, wondering HOW in the WORLD I’d become pregnant. Then I thought: “But I do get four days in the hospital....”

Seriously. That’s how tired I am. I’m dreaming about having more children so I can spend 4 days sleeping in the hospital. That hospital where I had Baba? It was nice. Hubby thinks I’m nuts to dream about being in the hospital, but he didn’t have room service that came with free narcotics on command, so he can be forgiven for not understanding how it would be a dream-worthy experience.

So yeah, I’m tired. More teething awakeness between 3 and 4am, with both boys waking up at 615am. Poor Hubby. Both were ornery, too.

It’s 7 am but it’s really 8 or maybe it’s really 7, but whatever: it’s damn fucking early no matter what time the clock says and my brain wants more sleep. However, it’s Hubby’s turn to sleep in, so I’m up with both boyz watching tv.

1. Hey! It’s Franklin! is a great theme song. Freebird wants to listen to it over and over again.

2. I don’t mind except that it’s not long enough.

3. What is with Noggin and the “This show is good for your child!” intro? Intra- and interpersonal dynamics? Story structure? Come on now. It’s a tv show. I’ve got exactly nothing against tv and I like that it improves Freebird’s lexicon like nothing else (how bout THEM apples Noggin?) but please. It’s like trying to tell me low fat Twinkies are nutritional.

4. Maybe I need to preface each blog entry with a “This is good for you” tag like on Noggin.

Hm.

Today’s entry will teach you the importance of relaxed parenting, the value of the rewind button on the DVR remote, and the power of coffee! It will also let you know that I motherfucking hate daylight savings time, and that I cuss a lot when I’m not talking in front of my children. It’s brought to you by the letters F and B, and by the number 9. 

I’m in a crapalicious mood at this point, so I’m going to vent about a bunch of things that don’t matter while the caffeine hits my bloodstream and with luck turns me into a chipper person:

1. What the FUCK is up with all the conspicuous displays of wealth on people’s blogs? What is this, show and tell? “I have arseloads of money so I’m going to show you pictures of every. last. fucking. thing. I own. So that you can acknowledge how beautifully huge and opulent my life it?” Since when did blogs become about your stuff, and what you’re doing with that stuff? Holy shit.

2. I need more sleep. Clearly.

3. I want to know what idiot decided that .. oh. Caffeine!

Good morning, everyone! Have a great day! 

1. My hosting for this site is about to expire. I wonder if it’s time to hang it up.

2. I think the CNN election coverage is the strangest combination of the Weather Channel and Wheel of Fortune. They do nothing but repeat the same information over and over for hours on end, and they touch screens to make letters and figures appear like they’re Vanna White on politics.

3. I’m seriously bummed that Clinton won Texas and Ohio. I have a bad feeling that (a) the divided Democratic party will be a much, much easier target for the Republicans, (b) the pressure of one side to convince the other to abandon their candidate for the purposes of “unification” will be steady and unpleasant, (c) at this point there’s little difference between the two except personality so it’s becoming more a question of who do you like better and who can be meaner to the other, and (d) I am so fucking glad I am no longer a Pennsylvania resident, you have no idea.

4. I’m still tired and underslept, in case your first thought this morning was, “Gee, I wonder if Morag got any sleep?”

5. The kitchen is scheduled to disappear entirely today, leaving us with a fridge in the dining room and a sink. Wait, no. No sink. I’ll be washing dishes in the basement or in the upstairs bathroom. Last night we moved every last thing out of the pantry, leaving me with the following questions:

1. I own a LOT of different kinds of vinegar. Why?
2. I own even more different kinds of hot sauce. Why?
3. What do I cook that requires so much vinegar?

Regardless of the answers to the above question set, I know without a doubt I’m going to miss each and every bottle of vinegar while I’m making dinner out of the stash of cans and boxes that now occupy the dining room. 

Dear Teething:

You suck.

Love,
Mórag

Dear Sleep:

I miss you. Come back?

Love,
Mórag

Dear Bed:

I miss you, too. The glider chair is not as comfortable as you. I can’t sleep there, though I did try, since Baba couldn’t sleep if I wasn’t holding him.

Soon we’ll be together,
Mórag

Dear Baba:

Teething does indeed suck, doesn’t it? I’m sorry you couldn’t sleep. I’m sorry I couldn’t either. Soon you’ll have teeth. Then you’ll cut some more. And we’ll do this all again until you’re about 3. Ask your brother - it sucks no matter where the teeth come in. But I’m ready. With Tylenol. And bourbon (for me).

Love you,
Mama

Dear Freebird:

Thank you from the bottom of my tired, tired heart for sleeping through ALL of your brother’s all-night crying, cooing, moaning, and grunting. I hope you slept well. And I hope you’re not teething.

Love you,
Mama

Dear Hubby:

That sucked. We’ll sleep eventually. Like, when our boys are teenagers that sleep till noon and we wonder why they sleep so damn much and eat the rest of the time.

Love you,
Mórag

Dear coffee:

I love you. I love you. I love you I love you. More, please?

Love,
Mórag