After The Wiggles on Playhouse Disney, which is the best show ever in the history of the world because it (a) makes Freebird happy and (b) gives me 30 minutes to sit down with him, there’s a small show called This is Emily Yeung... with this girl who does stuff like make bead necklaces and origami. The theme song is really REALLY sticky in your brain so I won’t even give you the link because you’ll hate me forever.

Anyway, I was watching the Weather Channel this morning, and I SWEAR the same girl who plays Emily Yeung (that’s her real name actually, oops) is IN a commercial for asthma medication - I think it’s Singulair. And it’s driving me nuts because I’m 90% sure I’m right, but I can’t confirm it. 

My hands are swollen, and I am trying to handwrite a bunch of little notes for folks who participated in the book giveaway on my other site.

I have the worst handwriting known to man right now. It’s abysmal. I mean, DAMN. It’s BAD.

And I realized that for years I’ve tried to have teeny tiny neat handwriting, when really, my handwriting is big and messy and all over the place and I think it’s about time I owned up to that. My handwriting is big and messy! And I’m not getting graded on penmanship anymore! So screw it!

Besides the people who get the notes also get free books so I’m sure they couldn’t care less what my scrawl looks like!

Cranky toddler? Take 1 IPod with Wiggles and one rainy day random drive, mix well and enjoy hybrid gas mileage without guilt.

Vroom vroom!

I shit you not, this is the response I got from Lands’ End:

Dear Mórag,

D.M.

NO SHIT your maternity line has been discontinued. Did you miss the part where I repeatedly bemoan that fact because it was a really, really REALLY bad decision?

Man. I’m almost 36 weeks. If only I could harness some superpowers to make them bring back their maternity line in the next 4 weeks. That would be great. I wonder if Clitorious can help me with that one. 

less internet, more cabernet: Yes! That is the name of this here site. Odd that people are still looking up the title.

door knob pad: Why pad your doorknob? Or is that a euphemism?

plastic surgery clitorious: It’s been awhile since anyone has asked for Clitorious, but to start off the weekend by implying she needs plastic surgery? Not cool. Where exactly do you think she needs it, bub?

lolrus bukkit: The Lolrus still does not have his bukkit. I, however, have many bukkits.

lands end maternity: Alas, there used to be a Lands’ End maternity line. But it is no more. I regularly email them about this horrible decision. It hasn’t done any good.

the way i are sample push it: You have no idea how proud I am that I figured out the background music to “The way i are” is from Salt n’ Pepa’s “Push It.”

clitorious: Yes, the superhero who fights for your rights, and wishes that everyone would learn to spell “clitoris” already. Really, she’s beginning to get shrill and annoying like that gecko who was mistaken for Geico. She’s going to start speaking in a profoundly annoying Cockney accent soon. 

1. Am I the only one supremely creeped out and annoyed by the dancing alien, the incredibly flexible clown, and the booty-grinding ladies who are excited about mortgages?

2. Anyone else appreciate the irony of a clown advertising a mortgage considering how shitful the market is right now?

3. In looking at how the market is today, I found the following sentence: “Stocks trimmed losses but remained under water, continuing the recent bloodletting.” PLEASE DO NOT MIX YOUR METAPHORS. Thank you.

4. I am so tired. That is not a question but I am asking myself why I am not taking a nap right now.

Dear Lands’ End:

I’ve written you previously about my despair that you’ve canceled your maternity line, and since I’m still pregnant and my wardrobe is getting ever-smaller while I am getting ever-bigger, I figured it was past time for me to update you on my struggles to find clothing, since I cannot rely on your clothing any longer.

Have I mentioned the despair? Despair in a pregnant lady is like extra more-badder awful despair because the normal disappointment of no longer being able to shop for stylish, washable, comfortable clothing in asjustable maternity sizes is compounded by the fact that I’m hormonal, and on top of that, when I get dressed I am uncaffeinated and therefore a LOT more likely to weep like a distressed freakshow, thereby scaring the ever living daylights out of my husband who thinks I probably went into labor in front of my closet.

The ripple effect of your canceling your maternity line, it is not measurable. It goes on and on and on.

I’m writing specifically to tell you that yesterday, I wore my Lands’ End maternity dress, which was part of an entire collection - there were pants, a button down jacket-shirt, and a dress, and I have all three. The dress is a simple empire waist scoop neck with a back tie, it’s calf-length, and it’s very, very flattering and comfortable. You have no idea how seldom one can say those two words when talking about maternity clothing.

I was stopped on the subway by another pregnant lady who asked where I got my dress. I had to tell her it was Lands’ End, that they no longer sold maternity clothing, and that it was a true travesty because it’s pretty much all I wear at this point. She was so sad to know that she couldn’t buy the dress for herself. Except that she was a total stranger and I was wearing it at the time, I would have offered to give it to her.

But please know that your decision continues to affect me and other customers, and I can personally attest that the harder it is for me to get dressed in the morning at 35 week pregnant, the more I wish you’d rethink your decision to stop manufacturing maternity clothing.

Sincerely,
Morag