Part of being pregnant means that people ask you ALL about your vagina, your gestation, all kinds of personal shit (literally) as part of small talk. No lie. Your cervix? Suddenly is suitable mealtime conversation for people, something that can be asked about while you get your morning coffee and aren’t properly caffeinated.

But unfortunately, that doesn’t end after you have a baby. I am going back to work soon, and the family giant party of much small talk for Hanukkah is soon, the weekend before I go back. And I know that everyone will ask me when I’m going back, oh it’s so soon, are you ok with that? Are you sad?

I see you once a year and this is your business? Not hardly! And if it were painful, which it is and I’m sad to be at the end of what my maternity leave and away from Baba, would I discuss it with a familial stranger at a party? Fuck no!

But I’ll get asked about it anyway, because just like my vagina and my cervix and my visible weight gain, my life as a mom and a parent is open for discussion and, oh yay, everyone else’s opinion. And while part of me wants to be rude, and ask why that would possibly be any of their business, I know that I’ll bite my lip and diffuse the question with humor and change the subject.

And think less of the person getting all up in my business, and vow to try to remember how I felt, so I refrain from asking other women hurtful and nebby ass questions. 

It’s been a week since I updated, which is rare for me, but in that week so much has changed. I feel like I turned some kind of huge corner and can’t see back behind me. Nothing bad happened, but I did light a huge fire under my own ass that is really toasty and kind of inspiring.

1. I have decided that I’m not putting up with migraines, irritability, anxiety, and breakthrough bleeding that comes with every freaking birth control pill I try. By some minor miracle (thank you!) I have an appointment with an endocrinologist on Thursday, and I’m going to figure out a solution that will control my hormonal imbalances and let me not have headaches and a desire to commit felonies.

2. I signed up for a Yahoo: Group, which is something that is VERY unlike me. I am signed into one for my town and it’s the most fractious and whiny group ever. Sometimes I set it for “no mail” just to get away from them for awhile. But the one I signed up for over Thanksgiving is for children of hoarders. My mom is a hoarder. You wouldn’t believe the shame and pressure to keep it a secret, but it’s true. My mother has severe mental issues and she refuses to get help. She used to read my old site and I don’t know if she’s found this one, but really, I’m tired of pretending like everything is ok.

My mother lives in 2 houses, both of which are filled with garbage. Newspapers, wrappers, papers, fliers, anything she thinks she can recycle or use for something else, or give away. My sister last sent me pictures about a year ago and the piles through the living room were higher than waist-deep, and there were paths to get through the house. The last time I was there, it was 5 or 6 years ago, and I couldn’t get up the stairs.

She doesn’t clean up after the dog so there’s dog feces in my old room; my bed was covered with things that I couldn’t identify. I can’t even begin to describe how bad it was, and I know it’s become worse since then.

When I joined the group, I was going to lurk for awhile, and not say anything, but having about 4 email messages a day (thank heaven for low volume groups) from people saying the exact things I’ve thought, or things that I never realized, is so comforting and shocking. I’m not the only one who grew up like this, who doesn’t know what to do to intervene with a parent who finds garbage and random stuff more important than being healthy or being with family. I’m loving this group of people who have the same problem I do, who are so happy just to be able to talk about it.

I’m still trying to figure out the proper path to do what I want to do with the situation, and when and how to do it, but just having a group of people saying, “OMG ME TOO” is such a profound relief. At least I’m not by myself dealing with the problem, even if I am on my own as pertains to my immediate family.

So I’m saving some quotes here in case I want to remind myself that talking about it, and trying to do something about it, is entirely appropriate, healthy, and about goddamn motherfucking time.

1. Carrie Underwood bugs the crap out of me. She sang the national anthem a few minutes ago, and I’d like a word with her stylist: the giant, giant wavy curl? Over it.

2. The National Anthem Yodel should be ILLEGAL. It’s as bothersome to me as when people cut up the American flag and use it to line a jacket (Bono are your ears burning?). I know I sound like a conservative gasbag, but whatever your feelings about the US, the flag was not meant to absorb armpit sweat from world-minded Irishmen.

Further, the national anthem does not feature a one-octave yodeling jump on the word “Free.” Quit showing off. It’s one note. One note. No need to over do it. And for God’s sake, stop with the jazz hands.

3. I have been looking for the faucet from our kitchen renovation in Jersey City. I loved it that much, I wanna use it again. I saw a picture of it on the Home Depot site, but I couldn’t find it for sale. Where did I find it? Faucets.com. Why didn’t I think of that earlier? 

For the first time all season we have the Steelers on tv here. We’re so saturated with the Jets, Giants, Patriots, and what-the-hell-else we never get the Steelers on an average Sunday. We really only see them on Sunday night or Monday night.

So Hubby and I are parked on the sofa with homemade pizza, red wine, water, and computers. Eventually I’m hoping Hubby will mute the tv because the announcers are so freaking awful. But in the meantime:

1. Is there a makeup color known as “Madden Pink?” He is large, and very very pink. I’ve never seen makeup that shade of rose and I’m a girl. I may not wear much of it but I know from makeup. Is there a Bare Escentuals or Cover Girl Continuous Wear shade called “Madden” for very fair, rosy women?

2. Do you think these players ever get tired of introducing themselves by their university? I mean, some of them are older than me and Hubby and it’s not like he rolls up to people and says, “Sarah’s Hubby. Northwestern University.” If he did, he’d sound like a douchebag.

3. I’m hungry. Time for me to eat. 

Dear CNN:

Since Britney’s custody is the top story AND you’re citing TMZ as the source, I’m officially going to pretend like you don’t exist. I’m not even linking to you. I’m not even going to acknowledge past this nice big FUCK YOU that you’re a news outlet since clearly you’re not even that anymore.

Instead I’m going to talk about something else.

Like good parenting.

We’re approaching the age of discipline with Freebird, and it’s been difficult. I think Hubby and I, both of us older/oldest children ourselves, lean toward overcompensating for Freebird’s loss of status as an only child now that Baba is just over 2 weeks old. There’s been mild measures of acting out, especially when one of us is with Baba and the other is with Freebird. But for the most part we’re learning to handle it, and learning how to discipline, and more importantly parent.

Now that’s clearly not as exciting as Britney losing custody of her children because she’s strung out on Tidy Bowl cleanser, but it’s a lot more representative of the rest of the parents of my age group who are all learning as we go to parent well, carefully, and respectfully.

Not that THAT is going to make the news or anything.

Sincerely and most certainly NOT LOVE,

Mórag

I’m generally not a watch-a-lot-of-tv person, but given that I spend a lot of time sitting and resting, I’ve been “enjoying” more tv. Here’s my nutshell review of Private Practice: This show sucks donkey balls.

Top 10 Reasons why Private Practice sucks donkey balls.

1. Not a damn one of those characters was sympathetic, competent, or even interesting, save one. (see below)

2. What kind of a “world class neonatal surgeon” has to collapse in a quivering ball IN FRONT OF THE PATIENT AND HER FATHER before questioning whether she can do emergency surgery? While she was down on her knees did she want to beg for a lawsuit, too?

3. What kind of a fucked up medical practice WAS that? Pediatrics, psychology, infertility, and birth services? With a receptionist/midwife?

4. What kind of a “world class neonatal surgeon” mocks and denigrates a midwife? I know from midwives. They’ll kick your ass (and yes, bonehead, “Midwifery” is a word").

5. What idiot decided to open a practice engaging in medical procedures that can turn on a dime from normal to very very holy shit bad in a location that is over 20 minutes drive time for an ambulance?!

6. What kind of medical practice calls for an ambulance TWICE in ONE DAY with seriously endangered or outright DEAD patients, and STILL doesn’t clue in that 20 minutes response time is too freaking long?

7. How in the world did a psychologist and a pediatrician access that woman’s son’s medical records when (a) she wasn’t in any mental state to sign a release and (b) was probably ALSO more than 20 minutes drive time away from the records themselves?

8. Shut down an entire store department because a woman having an emotional breakdown is counting tiles, and her psychologist needs to watch a commercial in the camping department? Sure! I’d buy that (not).

9. Who are these numbskulls who turn a patient’s death and bereaved ex-wife and ovulating girlfriend into an argument about themselves? Do these people not know how to separate themselves from their patients at ALL?

10. Who decided to glue a Scotch Brite sponge to the bottom of Taye Diggs’ chin and call it fashion? Because it looks preposterous.

The only thing that didn’t suck about Private Practice:

1. Tim Daly. He could be cast in a role that requires him to stand motionless for 45 minutes and he’d STILL be more compelling than any of those other people. I could watch him read the phone book backwards.

1. I am so blessed to be pregnant.

2. I have been fortunate to have a relatively easy pregnancy with little in terms of health concerns to worry about, and clockwork visits that yielded nothing but yet another visit the following month.

3. I am slowly getting ready and want to clean and organize everything in sight, or just throw it all out so there’s nothing in the house for me to trip over.

4. I love nothing more than to be in bed with sixteen pillows, a back supporting pillow, my laptop, six books, and the tv clicker.

5. I am trying to savor the good moments of this pregnancy as it winds down to an end, reminding myself that I will not be pregnant forever.