Things I bit my tongue before saying to the loudmouth on her cell phone on the bus:

Holy shit, lady. You’re louder than my iPod at full volume.

Can you lower your voice so I don’t hear the details?

Shut the fuck up.

Perhaps you do not realize how loud you are, but we just crossed from New York to New Jersey and people in both states can still hear you.

Omgwtfstfu.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Look Freebird! This is the city. This is where Mommy works!

Wait, I don’t mean I work here on 8th Avenue…

Oh never mind.

What do Jews eat on Christmas eve? Sirloin, green beans, and potatoes. And
wine. Yummmmm.

Logan the Wonder Pooch says, “Morag went to Target at 830 in the morning. There was no one there. At some point she decided that I celebrate Christmas, even though I’m a Jewish dog, because I got a new bed. And a new water dish. And some treats. I like my new bed. I hope everyone gets a warm soft bed for Christmas.”

We’re druiving around in wind and rain to see holiday lights. I am parked by two inflatable penguins, and the wind has driven them into a rather provative frenzy. One is currently humping the other’s bum. How to explain this to Freebird? No idea.

I am in line at Boston Market. The person in front of me has ordered a solid gold chicken.

That can be the only reason for the delay of this much time.

Mmmm. I want regular chicken please. Soon?

Either militant breast cancer activists were loose in my backyard
with pink spray paint, or people are coming to remove the trees to
get ready for excavation and construction.

It seems like it is taking forever, but I know once they get started, that will seem even longer than the waiting. But still, I can’t wait for the new kitchen.